There was a time when loving myself was something I searched out others to do. I thought that being loved by others was the goal, especially men.
Then, I learned that in order for that to truly work, I needed to love myself first. Boy, did that lesson take some time to sink in. I mean, come on. Doesn't everyone love themselves? Is that some different kind of love? Do I need to do some special thing to show that I love myself?
If so, what?
You see, I came to this conclusion of loving myself more than anybody ever could through the wisdom of my last relationship. While I was actually still in it, and still loving him. It wasn't about loving myself, instead of him. Loving myself had nothing to do with withdrawing or withholding love from anyone else. Loving myself more than anybody ever could (YES, I must say the whole thing each time, or it doesn't mean what it means) means choosing ME. Choosing to love myself more than anybody ever could meant knowing when I wasn't happy and what I needed to do to ensure that I would be. Choosing myself was not about selfishness nor narcissism.
I had, for the most part, lost myself in trying to maintain a love that needed me to love myself. It wasn't about him. He was my greatest teacher. He helped me to see where I needed to heal. That is the real purpose of relationships before we fully awake to our life's purpose. That is for a-completely-nother post. Anyway, I realized I wasn't happy with myself, nor where I was taking myself in life, career-wise in a huge way. I wasn't loving myself enough to heal the broken pieces that seemed to re-shatter when I had forgotten I had already healed those places. I was so unhappy that my desires were not coming true because I wasn't working toward those goals. And I could not figure out way. I had giving up with out actually giving up.
I did know that through all of my reading and video listening to (you know there is no reason to watch YouTube videos with only a picture to stare at) that I was failing at allowing my desires to manifest because I was too busy focusing all of my attention on what I didn't like about my life and what I didn't want to keep happening. Most of the time I was upset that I just wasn't happy. Imagine being mad because you're not happy. Oh, the insanity. I laughed at myself when I realized that was the foolishness I had been wasting my precious life doing.
I had been allowing my thoughts to get out of hand and run my life in being unlike anything I wanted. My vision board had become just a board with pictures. I had a vision for my life. I just wasn't living up to it. I let my thoughts dictate my life. My ego was having a ball and loving every minute of it. I had to do something. No, that never worked. I had to BE something! I had to BE different. I had to choose differently. And in choosing ME, I began my journey of BEing different.
I made the choice to put myself and my desires before my thoughts, my worries, my fears by focusing on ME so I grow and expand beyond the woman I had been BEing. I choice to BE so for my desires that I gave no attention to anything that does not fuels them, nor make me my better self. I had to. All these years, I was looking for an instant transformation, to make a long term change in my life. This time I chose liberation over transformation. I wanted to BE free. Freedom meant choosing ME over anyone else, in the sense, that I didn't sabotage my joy because of their choices for their life. I chose Love over fear. Joy over frustration. Peace of mind over overwhelm. Clarity over confusion. Faith over worry.
I AM choosing ME!!!!!!!
In my choice, there is no room for anger, for fear, or frustration, so I must allow others to BE who and as they are. That is unconditional love, loving them without selfishness. That type of love is healing. That is the love of the GOD, the Universe. So in Essence, in choosing ME, I AM actually choosing GOD, who loves me more than anybody ever could.