8 years ago today, I committed to a decision that many thought I wouldn’t every do. It took me a long time to actually do it. Even the night before, I tearfully consulted with a stranger in Rite Aid, questioning whether I was doing the right thing. Something inside of me wanted me to stay. But, I knew I could no longer continue to live as I was.
I was in the relationship that I thought was with my 1. I quickly began to see when he changed and I was no longer the only object of his desire. I tried so hard to prove that I was worthy. My proving was by way of arguments. I had had enough.
Earlier in January of 2008, I read a book along with Oprah and the author, Eckhart Tolle during an 8 week webclass. I began to learn who I was, and how much control I truly had over myself and my life. My anger was showing me that I was being someone that I no lounger liked, and I could not go on being her.
I didn’t like the example I was being for my daughters. They deserved knowing that a woman is honored and cherished by her man. The deserved to sleep peacefully without anger being bounced off of every wall. They deserved a mother whose heart wasn’t broken by the smell of another women’s vajayjay mounted on his lips a morning he returned home after yet another night of unanswered phone calls. I knew when he looked through me during one of our “conversations”, it was time to leave.
As I sat in the den of my mother’s house, after stuffing all of my belongings into storage, I let out a sigh of relief. Much like Jill Scott’s character at the end of ‘Why Did I Get Married’, I could finally breathe. I exhaled. I cried because this is not how my life was supposed to be. I was supposed to be happily married, and very much in love. I had no idea what happened. How did we go from me being his future wife and love of his life, to being the woman he couldn’t sit still for or love beyond anyone else.
Then, as they say, “You gonna miss me when I’m gone” kicked in and he was calling, missing his family, wanting us back. But, what fool was I going to be to just move back in after taking all of my things and bouncing on his cheating ass? Then, it happened, I found out about the other woman.
I was devastated. I was a mess for a fee weeks. Then, I shook that mess off and got myself together. A friend suggested that at her first book club meeting we should read, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man”. But, nope, that was not for me. that,qasnt part of my journey through spirituality with the Law of Attraction. But, that book somehow made its way to the repass after my Nanna’s funeral that February, and after a good discussion, I figured I’d give it a run-through.
I sat in Borders Bookstore and cried as I read and realized I had caused many of the problems in my relationship. Well, more like attracted/created. And I did. I saw the error of my ways. Oh, I was still angry at him and hurt because of his actions, which he was totally responsible for. But, I began to understand how my thinking and my works poisoned the love that tried to be there. His actions made it so easy for me to complain and him and his ways.
Now, I know better. Over these passed 8 years, more closely the passed 2, I have learned that there truly is power in the tongue, even in the unspoken word. Our thoughts can be damaging to our relationships of any kind. What he did or didn’t do was just his own self-expression. It developed into meaning I gave his behavior. His actions was his way of expressing my expectations of him. I still hold him responsible for his actions because they were wrong, but I have released him from the grip he had on me through my anger.
See, forgiveness is never about the other person as much as it is for you. I was able to forgive him because I understand that he was just playing the roll of the teacher on the lesson I needed to learn at that moment. He was my response to the subconscious beliefs I had about men, love, and relationships. I always felt unworthy of love given to me. So that was the experience I was to live.
Now, I don’t question the hug or the kiss or anything given to me. I soak it in and smile, knowing that the man who loves me now truly does love me. I control my thoughts about him and our relationship . I speak life love over us, unlike how I used to speak about the passed relationship.
Life and death is in the tongue.
8 years ago was proof that if I take the first step GOD will make sure I have ground to stand on. I am using that today as I look forward to 2017 with trust in my heart that I am always taken care of.
ANTHAM